Dark Souls
Reconnecting with friends is one of the pocket pleasures one can have. Just a relaxed chat over noodles and spring rolls, would provide you with new perspectives. And of course, incidentally opening wounds that I would have forgotten were there, but reliving the contentment and peace that you had when you were with them months back.
Still and all, encounters like these are important to me, not only because it feels like a breath of fresh air, and fills my lungs starved of the life there was with them, imperfect but comforting. Like a big bear hug.
Life's transitions are funny, at times. For moments, all in five years, you would think that you have grown accustomed to the engagements you have with your friends, through good times and bad. Then like a lightning, you are forcibly ceased to cut clean from relationships because of necessity. Because you need a job, to provide for family, you leave your friends. You get to have a new set of people to deal with, all shapes and sizes. And values.
That's where the honeymoon ends, after the phase of adjustment to a new environment, you slowly see through your new acquaintances and discover their values. It is easy when you have exactly the same of those values. But disheartening if you have diversity of them. You think and feel you are welcome, yet before falling asleep you realize they do not give a s--t, well some are blessed with good hearts. But the rest, well, they are disappointments.
I guess they also have disappointments of me. Perhaps they also look at me and say, 'what a bitch' behind my back. Sometimes, I, too, fall into the same trap. I say too much, one of my many talents. (hence this blog, because I say things properly here). But I have pleasant moments with this new-found acquaintances, too. Some do their best to make me feel loved, and I do show them I love them, too, by being there for them, in any way I can.
My take on this situation is, ok, I left old friends who truly care for me, but with them, too, are the people I thought were my friends but are not. My leaving revealed that. I am embraced by the new group of guys, who seem to be friends, but I am slowly finding out which ones are true. So given the odd situation I am in, I can only learn continuously about which relationships are worth keeping and which are not. In the process of discerning, my heart breaks. Because I am to deal with the fact that there were people in my life who only used me for their gain, squeezed the kindness out of me for their sake, then turned their backs on me even if they know, in their hearts that I had their backs with my whole being as a shield. Hell, one I got promoted when no boss of his cared no matter how hard he worked. That is beside the point here. My heart breaks because this was truly unexpected of this person, unlikely for a person who acts like he is God's Head Executive Assistant, you know? And then, there are these people I am with now, and each day I learn of minute acts of betrayal. Sad, really.
What I am saying here is that, I will embrace the challenge of the 'leaving' and the 'settling in with the new', because for someone like me, who thinks that I have gone through the worst there is, I still have a lot to learn. I am not smart as I think I am. I am naive when it comes to trust, sincerity, and loyalty. Damn naive. I am wired that way. Walking everyday in a path laden with good faith and intentions. I always hear this phrase, 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. Yes, how true. But I have not given up on the 'bear hugs' that friendship brings. I say, taking the path of always, always with good intentions and good faith will lead me to a heaven of my own. Regardless of the consequences. I cannot comprehend others, who sell out on friendships. That's coming from a very dark soul.
Still and all, encounters like these are important to me, not only because it feels like a breath of fresh air, and fills my lungs starved of the life there was with them, imperfect but comforting. Like a big bear hug.
Life's transitions are funny, at times. For moments, all in five years, you would think that you have grown accustomed to the engagements you have with your friends, through good times and bad. Then like a lightning, you are forcibly ceased to cut clean from relationships because of necessity. Because you need a job, to provide for family, you leave your friends. You get to have a new set of people to deal with, all shapes and sizes. And values.
That's where the honeymoon ends, after the phase of adjustment to a new environment, you slowly see through your new acquaintances and discover their values. It is easy when you have exactly the same of those values. But disheartening if you have diversity of them. You think and feel you are welcome, yet before falling asleep you realize they do not give a s--t, well some are blessed with good hearts. But the rest, well, they are disappointments.
I guess they also have disappointments of me. Perhaps they also look at me and say, 'what a bitch' behind my back. Sometimes, I, too, fall into the same trap. I say too much, one of my many talents. (hence this blog, because I say things properly here). But I have pleasant moments with this new-found acquaintances, too. Some do their best to make me feel loved, and I do show them I love them, too, by being there for them, in any way I can.
My take on this situation is, ok, I left old friends who truly care for me, but with them, too, are the people I thought were my friends but are not. My leaving revealed that. I am embraced by the new group of guys, who seem to be friends, but I am slowly finding out which ones are true. So given the odd situation I am in, I can only learn continuously about which relationships are worth keeping and which are not. In the process of discerning, my heart breaks. Because I am to deal with the fact that there were people in my life who only used me for their gain, squeezed the kindness out of me for their sake, then turned their backs on me even if they know, in their hearts that I had their backs with my whole being as a shield. Hell, one I got promoted when no boss of his cared no matter how hard he worked. That is beside the point here. My heart breaks because this was truly unexpected of this person, unlikely for a person who acts like he is God's Head Executive Assistant, you know? And then, there are these people I am with now, and each day I learn of minute acts of betrayal. Sad, really.
What I am saying here is that, I will embrace the challenge of the 'leaving' and the 'settling in with the new', because for someone like me, who thinks that I have gone through the worst there is, I still have a lot to learn. I am not smart as I think I am. I am naive when it comes to trust, sincerity, and loyalty. Damn naive. I am wired that way. Walking everyday in a path laden with good faith and intentions. I always hear this phrase, 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. Yes, how true. But I have not given up on the 'bear hugs' that friendship brings. I say, taking the path of always, always with good intentions and good faith will lead me to a heaven of my own. Regardless of the consequences. I cannot comprehend others, who sell out on friendships. That's coming from a very dark soul.
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