IngliseraKuno

Hope, they say, springs eternal. I believe so. Each minute we live is anchored on the thought that the best is yet to come. At times, however, I cannot help but think that the word is so overused as the other four-letter-word. We throw the word 'hope' like it is a dime a dozen: 'I hope you have a nice day.'; 'I hope for the best.'; 'We hope for your kind consideration.' See? What has been killing me for the longest time now is the hope that I offered to others, well, because I have always thought of myself as someone who can hold true to a commitment. For instance, my farmers and my staff worked their butts off to prepare project proposals for possible funding with another agency which pledged that these will see the light of day. Our hopes were really high for those, only to be terribly disappointed upon learning that our partner agency is unable to 'deliver'. I walked out of a meeting because of that, my blood pressure rose to high heavens and ...

Day One-Point-Five.  In this life, I have experienced many losses, of different kinds and depth. Some I dealt with like a walk in the park, and most, I tortured myself each day with every ounce of sadness until weak and on the edge. My close friends tell me I should always choose the easier way, because in the end, no matter how I deal with the loss, it will still be what it is. Someone or something has been taken away from me. Either that or I was the one who made the decision to simply let go.  Yesterday was entirely about NOT letting go. In less than twelve hours, Honey, the 'mother' I was blessed with the past three years while working here in Vigan, passed away unexpectedly. Writing this, I am still in a daze, although reality is creeping in a bit. Yesterday, I felt like I was watching myself from a seat in a movie theater, numbness reigning over reason. Today, at least I feel my toes touching the soles of my shoes. Still, I cannot draw a clear line between what is, and w...

The day you were born, your Papa Allan was with me somewhere because I had to receive a 'pin' for finishing a series of leadership programs related to work. Your Papa was there with me to take pictures, and when he told me Mommy Roxanne was in labor already, I told him to leave me with my friends, and go to the hospital. Papa did not leave me, he stayed, and told me he will be there in time to see you take your first peek of this world's light. So he stayed on with me, and with a sophisticated camera, took the most terrible pictures of me, and the ceremony. From then on, it was you, who became our light. Our family always loved children, and you, coming into our lives was more than just a treat, it was a blessing. Still is. Many reasons, for that, my love: your skin is so white, in a family of dark-skinned humans; your lips so red drawn into that lovely little face, with those beautiful, big, brown eyes. It is a bonus that even when you were small, you were already smart, y...

I stared into space for two nights, wondering why Honey was called home when hours before that, she asked me if I wanted a bottle of Pepsi. My mind was actually blank, other than that question. I rarely space out. But this time, it was like I was living a nightmare. Today, we said our final goodbyes to an amazing woman we all called, 'Honey'. In church, those who offered flowers by her casket aside from her large family were of different ages: the children, whom she has conversations with when they would yell 'Honey' to buy their candies; teens who are friends of her grandchildren who would visit her compound; friends of her nieces and nephews, who grew up with Honey 'mothering' them as much as her own nieces and nephews; middle-aged men and women who were perhaps one time her students when she worked at the university; the folks in the barangay from whom Honey got her 'chicka' fix for the day. She touched so many lives.  I was asked to speak in a tribut...

The smell of paint still hangs in the air. Of freshly-cured cement, pine-scented disinfectant, and the familiar dog-scent of Thirdy. I feel dust settling everywhere, like my fingers could write a paragraph on our dining table. Bags are put in corners; no matter how I labelled each bag with 'clothes', 'frames', 'medicines', 'gadgets', still we struggle to look for that one little thing we need. My son is missing something he uses for his guitar. I do not recall where I put my clothes I intended to use for Aidan's recognition program. It was almost always this way back when we moved from one apartment to another, starting with a bachelor's pad, then to a slightly bigger place when Ana was born. Then to another when some electrical malfunction nearly caused fire in one of the places we rented. It would take weeks to settle down, and it was only when I found what I was looking for in a matter of minutes, whatever, a gadget cord or a pair of scissors,...

There are a million things I am thankful for when I start counting from day one of my existence on earth. There are a million things, too, I am sorry for and saddened by. But my sister-in-law's prayer today for our simple 'house warming' pointed to the most important of these million things, whether these surfaced happiness or otherwise: she said, 'salamat po, Panginoon, sa pagtitiwalang ibinigay mo sa amin..' (thank you, Lord, for Your trust in us.) The Lord indeed trusts us to find the way towards what is right, and what is best. There may be reasons for Him not to, in fact, often we are the ones who do not trust Him as we ought to.  After so many challenges that came our way as a family, we came together today to celebrate a milestone: we have a new home, built by the solace the four of us found in each other. This tiny home is founded most, not by the sturdy posts our contractor ensured, but by the strength we hold, together. This is  reinforced by the presence ...

Cheers from the crowd became louder than expected, with some students and parents on their feet. I stood up, too, with my hands clapping so hard it hurt. I wanted him to hear my cheers and claps, though the stage on which he stood, on one leg, his arms holding on to crutches, was so far from where we were seated. Ana was weeping, Dad was trying very hard not to let his tears fall. I asked Ana if she knew the boy, and she said no. We looked his name up on the program and learned that he is an honor student from the information and communications technology strand. We intended to ask Aidan, our son whom we now fondly call 'numero uno' for his achievement this school year, after the recognition ceremonies. I watched the boy walk down the stage, across the path back to his seat. He was wearing a black beanie on his head. I told myself, I would go and shake his hand after all the niceties, and tell him how I felt. We waited a few minutes for Aidan who shared his happy moment with hi...

Ching, a new-found friend and colleague in rural development, visited the office today to exchange thoughts on the convergence of national  government agenies in Ilocos Sur. She is experienced, one can tell, on projects implemented by various proponents, in this case, Congressman DV Savellano of the 1st District of Ilocos Sur. I have had very informative discussions with her previously, but today was the most casual, just a conversation about how we can hit the ground running by June, the Congressman's target date of project launch. My colleague, Rina was present, too, as I requested her to listen to the discussion  so that she can input the vital information on the proposals to be written. Our topics ranged from soil analysis and results proccessing/data banking, linking with appropriate agencies to input the results to a concrete set of farm-specific recommendations, communication platforms to make these recommendations acceptable to farmers, etc. The goverment agencies we w...

I heard mass with my family in Vigan today, for the first time since I lived with them for three years. I went to mass with them, on our first weekend together, not the usual, because Honey is no longer with us. My prayers during the mass mostly was for her, and her peace. We lit candles after, and I lit three for her. Walking out of the church, I heard the final hymn, 'Pananagutan', which I have known for most of my life. I have heard and perhaps sung the song for a million times that I have taken for granted the words put to the lovely melody. I was reminded right away of Honey, and how she lived her life. We miss you, Honey.  '...walang sinuman ang nabubuhay para sa sarili lamang...tayong lahat ay may pananagutan sa isa't-isa, tayong lahat ay tinipon ng Diyos, na kapiling nya...'

This is interesting, and I agree with this completely. I am a Protestant, but raised by both the United Church Of Christ (UCCP) and the Catholic church: my father's family is Protestant and I went to Catholic schools. I did not find it difficult, I did not feel any conflict as others may think. A friend of mine, Emy, said once when she saw me sleeping with a rosary beside my pillow that I am the only Protestant she knows who could actually pray the rosary. While there are differences in traditions, I managed to live my life safe in the thought that my faith is between me and my God. I am spiritual in a sense that I do believe in His love, and that He is the one whose hands hold me and show me the way, always. I guess this article reinforces that thought. I respect tradition, may not necessarily practice self-flaggelation or listen to the eerie chants of old women who sing the Seven Last Words (with one singing the melody and the other in the second voice, which by the way is impres...