IngliseraKuno

Her independence struck me the most. The stories I heard from her father about her already gave me a glimpse of who she is. I saw her when she was just a little girl in our hometown, but after that no opportunities came up to actually meet her. I did one day, with her coming straight from the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around her frail, thin body. She did not say 'hello', instead said, 'I'm underdressed.' I half-waved to acknowledge her. After that meeting, we sort of 'graduated' to kisses. And beauty tips (we both like the same make-up and other vanity stuff). She does not complain much about her life. She goes to her work, well most times with difficulty. A call center agent cannot do much but go to work on the schedule given. Which is so ridiculous, I admire all of them for turning their body clocks inversely just to take calls from people who live in different time zones with weird accents having problems with their wifi, their fax machines (they...

The nurse, Jeffrey, and the two orderlies came at around 11 in the morning to wheel Aidan to the operating room. Before that, Aidan and I were just fooling around, deflecting the fear there was in both our hearts. As usual I was toying with my phone, as he was too, requesting for another round of the game played by everyone except me, Clash of Clans. My heart stopped when Aidan got ready, my stomach constricting in tension, pretty much like when one rides a ferris wheel. We made our way towards the elevator, and I put my hand on Aidan's chest. I asked, 'are your nervous?'. He said, 'yes mom'. By the door of the operating room, I kissed his forehead and told him I love him. Before the door closed, I said, 'bye kiddo!, will be here when you wake up!'. He flashed a thumbs-up.  I wanted to walk all the way in, but I knew it would be a cause for alarm (you know, security people might be summoned to remove me, haha) so I opted to take one of the seats lined up...

A friend-recently-turned-sister, described my blogs, 'brave and honest' yesterday. That made me think twice. For one thing, I have not been told before in my life that I am (my blogs are my thoughts written in the most raw of forms), well, brave and honest. I am weak, vulnerable and a 'compromise'-embracing person. And honest? How do you describe way too much of honesty? Another person, almost at the same time, told me not to write about my life, because my life, he says, is open to scrutiny, hence people will not understand all my blabber and my accounts will eventually be 'used' to destroy me. Or something to that effect. Anyway, the stubborn person that I am, as my other friend-my-sister-for-life aptly put it, I want more in this life than just 'this', whatever 'this' is. I create a void, she said, an emptiness, because I tell myself I am not content, I am empty. I asked her, 'when do we stop?'. She said, 'we stop when start hu...

Since I am on a roll, let me start by saying beer is a good way of ending two days of self-pity, unending drama, and a blood pressure of 160/100. Note that I say, 'ending' because I have decided this afternoon to cut yet another episode of my life's version of 'In Pursuit of Happyness'. Of course to say that I can turn off the flash of raw emotions, of kick-ass blows to the conscience, of the seesaw of regret and liberation, is hypocrisy at its highest. All are still there lurking inside me. But I chose to see the light. I started the two gruelling days of holding in the screams in my chest until I felt literally about to burst. The best place a friend of mine suggested for me to feel better was the church. So we went. And the proper person I am (only when I am in the middle of an episode that I am, really), I waited to be seated on a pew, and started crying in front of the altar. It was the first time my friend saw me cry, so she held my hand and pushed a hanky...

I begin the preChristmas spirit of glee supposedly much like observing Lent. This a time when reflections are forced on me, triggered by the sudden change in the person I least expected. Makes me wonder if after decades of  knowing this person (I assume), what happened? I know of the challenges he has faced, he told me. Validated of course by what I have seen, and through it all, he always seemed to have learned the lessons brought by the challenges. I know him to be kind, the one you would know who has a good heart he successfully deflects by tough guy bravado. I have seen the soft side, his sensitivity to the needs of others, his efforts to compensate for his absence in his children's lives by simply being there to mark milestones with them. He hands a few bills to this lady in his neighborhood who was left living alone by her children, explaining to me that it was to tide her over for another day of no food. When poor street kids visit his home, he looks for some odd job for the...

The perils of self-indulgence. I have been told many times, to love myself more. My friends, those who truly know me and my life remind me I have given my all to others for so long, it is time to check on myself. They say I deserve it. A close friend, Michael, is one of those who see beyond me. For three years, while working together, perhaps from our after-hour conversations, he told me he has come to a conclusion that despite the nasty stuff attached to my name (some true but hugely exagerrated), I have a 'beautiful soul'. Even the card readers, the resident 'manghuhula' or psychics, have said, I have a good heart. Who would not want to believe that? After what I have done to my life? I had the most acceptable and society-sanctioned excuse, I was (and still am) my family's go-to girl. The typical breadwinner, crossbearer and the self-flagellating member of a Filipino family, who would fit straight into a character in the telenovelas jerking tears from an audie...