The Courage I Do Not Have
'Di ba 'Tianne?', she always asks, when speaking of something important. Like people would believe her if I answered 'Yes', or 'Weeeen'. She is often in need of validation. I don't blame her. Even as a kid, she was the odd one. She is the only fair-skinned sibling, and she was called all sorts of names, 'mestiza', 'puraw', 'kulot', 'ampon'. Perhaps she is an illegitimate child of Papa with some other mestiza out there? Growing up, she was terrified of strangers. She would peep from the sides of Papa's pants she clung to tightly, in the presence of visitors, looking at them suspiciously. She did not smile often. The only times I would hear her laugh was with our pet dogs. She loved dogs even then.
She obssessed over Barbie, and Papa would buy her those dolls and other weird-looking toy people. Like any normal kid. The obssession lasted up to when she was in high school, and that, is not normal. She loved food, blocks of chocolates, big-sized ice cream sandwiches, and she did not know how to share. Well, she does not know how, up to now, share, I mean. Haha. And those who know her well see that she eats anything. I will skip the pubescent years, because I was too busy with myself then, I barely noticed she loved to dance, climb trees, yell at her classmates, was always the honor student (because Papa was the Mayor, hehe), etc.
She is an odd one, aside from her fondness for Disney princesses, songs and scripts (she has them all memorized thinking that one day, maybe she can be a princess, yeah right), she weaves funny stories out of nothing. Animated. So maybe not a princess but a court jester? At the very least? I remember when she was in college, they were asked in English class to prepare a piece for presentation in front of classmates. While others chose the declamations of the Shakespeare sort, she chose to tell the story of 'Jack and the Beanstalk'. See what I mean?
She turned 41 today, (yes, I am not talking about a young lady here) and a mother of a gorgeous college boy and a pretty high school girl. Despite her sarcastic wit, there is one thing she is serious about; motherhood. When it comes to her kids, she no-nonsense. She overdoes it at times, but who can question a mother's love? She displays the same devotion to my kids, takes care of them as my 'sub'. She is practically Ana's second mom. So when we were taking Ana for a ride and joking about Tita Beks being adopted, at 19 years old, Ana started crying. Poor Ana, she could not take that.
She has this two-cough prelude when she starts to tell me that something is up. Like when she wants to tell me politely I screwed up about one thing. Or when she screwed up about one thing. She expects me to know the answers when everything around us seem upside down. Yet I think about her now and I can say for sure I don't know the answers to everything. In fact, she is one of the great sources of my strength to forge on. She is unapologetic about who she is, and I admire the guts she has to build a life of her own, and for her kids. When she decided it was time to move on to another chapter of her life, she did so, no discussions, no explanations to those who spit at her back. I have yet to reach a point where I no longer care about what others say or think of me. It is not so much that I have this certain stature to protect, God knows many already have predisposed opinions of me and my character (you see in my line of work, people can read minds and everybody seems to know what is happening with other people's lives?), but it is more to me as how my decisions would affect my kids and their peace of mind. I am a coward in that sense, such that I sacrifice what matters truly. Superficial and pretentious life I live, sigh. But Beks, she had the courage. She had the nuts to walk away from all that made her unhappy. Yes, she is odd. That decision alone? That makes me envious. In the end, she does not need any validation.
She obssessed over Barbie, and Papa would buy her those dolls and other weird-looking toy people. Like any normal kid. The obssession lasted up to when she was in high school, and that, is not normal. She loved food, blocks of chocolates, big-sized ice cream sandwiches, and she did not know how to share. Well, she does not know how, up to now, share, I mean. Haha. And those who know her well see that she eats anything. I will skip the pubescent years, because I was too busy with myself then, I barely noticed she loved to dance, climb trees, yell at her classmates, was always the honor student (because Papa was the Mayor, hehe), etc.
She is an odd one, aside from her fondness for Disney princesses, songs and scripts (she has them all memorized thinking that one day, maybe she can be a princess, yeah right), she weaves funny stories out of nothing. Animated. So maybe not a princess but a court jester? At the very least? I remember when she was in college, they were asked in English class to prepare a piece for presentation in front of classmates. While others chose the declamations of the Shakespeare sort, she chose to tell the story of 'Jack and the Beanstalk'. See what I mean?
She turned 41 today, (yes, I am not talking about a young lady here) and a mother of a gorgeous college boy and a pretty high school girl. Despite her sarcastic wit, there is one thing she is serious about; motherhood. When it comes to her kids, she no-nonsense. She overdoes it at times, but who can question a mother's love? She displays the same devotion to my kids, takes care of them as my 'sub'. She is practically Ana's second mom. So when we were taking Ana for a ride and joking about Tita Beks being adopted, at 19 years old, Ana started crying. Poor Ana, she could not take that.
She has this two-cough prelude when she starts to tell me that something is up. Like when she wants to tell me politely I screwed up about one thing. Or when she screwed up about one thing. She expects me to know the answers when everything around us seem upside down. Yet I think about her now and I can say for sure I don't know the answers to everything. In fact, she is one of the great sources of my strength to forge on. She is unapologetic about who she is, and I admire the guts she has to build a life of her own, and for her kids. When she decided it was time to move on to another chapter of her life, she did so, no discussions, no explanations to those who spit at her back. I have yet to reach a point where I no longer care about what others say or think of me. It is not so much that I have this certain stature to protect, God knows many already have predisposed opinions of me and my character (you see in my line of work, people can read minds and everybody seems to know what is happening with other people's lives?), but it is more to me as how my decisions would affect my kids and their peace of mind. I am a coward in that sense, such that I sacrifice what matters truly. Superficial and pretentious life I live, sigh. But Beks, she had the courage. She had the nuts to walk away from all that made her unhappy. Yes, she is odd. That decision alone? That makes me envious. In the end, she does not need any validation.
Comments
Post a Comment