I Found My Center

'.....you will put the 'star' in starting over and over... - sarah kay, 'if I should have a daughter'

Oh 2014 was a year of starting over and over and over for me. Each day, I go to work, I meet my colleagues, I see my farmers, I attend conferences, I go home (s), I see my kids, I start over. Such is the life I was destined to live. I was shown choices and I made stupid, shameless, cruel decisions. I severed relationships, I got angry, I felt undeserving of the pain,  I fought for my rightful place in other people's lives, I begged for their understanding or at the very least, silent disapproval. I tried to make things right, I prayed I would be given the strength to go on. And start over and over and over.

I was boxed by what is right deemed by whatever morals there are, held captive by the fear of abandonment, of ridicule, of rejection. The primal fears of beings in this world of chaos and multi-standards and hypocrisy. I was beholden by my needs, materials, superficial, and otherwise. Hunger for what-not haunted me, pushing me to the edge.

I found my center, I stood and I took deep breaths. I learned to close my eyes, walk a step at a time, and savor each minute passing by. Gratitude. For the blessings given but not asked for. Rather than enagage in the self-flagellating exercise of deep sadness, tears, pills, thinking too far ahead, and worrying, bathing in insecurities. 

I will continue to dwell in my 'center', start over and over and over, until I can make those I live for know this one thing which lifts me and emboldens me to face yet another year like 2014: goodness in my heart. I will not hold back and be 'modest'. I have a good heart. Let that,  Lord, My God, overwhelm my shortcomings. I know You have watched me all my life. Lead me, God, to the path which strikes a balance in who I am, my soul. Show me the way in 2015.