'I love you.'

I got a call last night from someone dearest to my heart. It was an awkward 'hello' that greeted him, as the number appeared unknown to my phone, I had the idea the call was from abroad. He said, 'Christianne, it's me. I am about to go under, they have to check some internal bleeding. I may not wake up from it, so I called to say I love you and take care.' He was on the verge of crying, I could hear his voice crack. This, from a man I had a stupid row with, on line, and emails, for whom I held this heavy burden in my heart for quite a while. I said, 'I love you, too. All will be fine. And call me as soon as you wake up, ok? You promise.' He just said, 'Take care, Christianne.' Then a text message followed, from him, asking me to 'reconnect' with those I 'blocked' from my life. 'That's all I ask. I cannot stand all these hurt going around.' I replied not with something that would give him false hope. He deserved my honesty more than anyone. I could not say, 'ok, if that's your wish....'. I told him the truth, that I need to heal for a long time first before that can happen, the wounds inflicted are still raw. I asked for his understanding. 

Because I have, after putting on my 'blinders' from those I have hurt and hurt me back more, lived quietly, steady in a path where all I care about now are these: myself, my kids, my friends, and my work. Steering me through it is the hand of God. To say that it is easy is a lie. It was difficult at first, moreso when I have been used to being the hero of all. Always in control, always solving problems, always at risk, always the shield for anyone who needed to fight but did not have the courage to do what it takes on their own. It took a lot of humility to acknowledge that I can no longer be that in their lives, simply because I only have enough left of me for the only truths which should matter: myself, whom I have learned to forgive and love; my kids from whom I draw strength as they are accepting of me despite their own battles; my friends who never really understood but continue to be there for me; my work from which I gather the wisdom to put my two feet on the ground. All else, they saddened me, with their self-interests they put above all. It also took love, twisted and unacceptable, to wake me up from the illusion of the world in which I lived. 

I received his text when he came to, telling me he is okay, but could not call as his throat still hurt. I am just relieved he is awake. We have a lot of time to talk, I told him, just rest. He taught me a lot about life, but this time a valuable lesson in humility, in love. He should not have been the one to reach out to me, but the other way around. But he called. On the edge, over his uncertainty of being able to tell me he loves me, he called just to tell me. It made me wonder if I could muster the same courage when a time would come such as that, to me. Will I make the call to those who were once part of my life's puzzle? Or will they call me? I don't know. All I am certain about now is that yes, it does not make us less of human beings to have humility, even just a little, to blurt out the words, 'I love you.' These three words were said to me in its purest form, from a man who did not want to leave this life without saying them out loud. So he is alive, still, with God's grace. He is all right. I believe that his supposedly last act, the call, made God realize we still needed men like him on earth.