Overrated Me

Nearing the 'finish line' of this administration, I look back at the learnings from the last five years or so. I have always believed that no matter how we perceive the circumstances which develop in our lives, we always win. Without exception, lessons surface. Choosing how to experience these lessons spell if we do allow ourselves to win, or lose. It is a matter of perpsective, and really, a choice.

I was cynical about this administration, to be honest.  Not because we were all struck speechless by EO1, but I thought then that the change this administration wanted, I looked at as impossible. We are all spoiled brats in government service, admittedly, and we always had our way. The 'syndrome' was so systemic that at any instance, when a new approach to managing public service was introduced, almost always I react with a sly, quiet smile, yet I wanted to scream inside. I justified my cynicism by telling myself, if there is no room for flexibility, I cannot deliver the targets I was supposed to. Flexibility, that word we all abused for quite a long time. The consequences of abusing flexibility I dealt with, in extreme difficulty. The struggle knocked the wind out of me. 

We operated in a climate of distrust, stemming from sad episodes of alleged corruption, coupled with the cruelty of those who discredit and attack our (field managers) integrity. Never mind that we are competent, delivered our accomplishments, and worked our souls off years past. Wariness was always hovering over us, not that all these baseless. Hence, we were firmly taught to follow rules and orders, no matter how personally hurtful they were. We were to work 24/7, to be aware of the details of all under our authority for operations, and to be accepting of all the responsibilities given us, whatever, whenever, wherever. Again, not that these are not what are supposed to be when one is in public service. We were showed that there are other ways to get things done, not necessarily the way we want it done, or how it was 'usually' done. I dared to share my thoughts about 'building on what was working' to one of the  new bosses years back. I have yet to know what he thought of that. The 'working' part is relative, you see. 

Along  the way, there were clashes in views. Some were productive, resulted to good. There were conflicts which did not. Factions were recast, one force identified with one of those who hold power, then the opposing army, linked to someone else who weilds the same. There were those who stayed on neutral ground, choosing not take a stand and be safe. At times, these reached the extreme: the 'play' became that which is about people & personalities, and not about the issues. 

In one of my job interviews years back, I was told that my answers to the preceding written examination revealed that as a manager, I value relationships more than the rules. The interviewer said that as a bad thing, which is probably correct in public service standards. I took it as a compliment. Stupid me, I flunked the exam, and the interview. Which is one  point in all of my learnings. Perpspectives differ, dynamics come into play, and relationships are either destroyed or nurtured. There is really no in-between. I am not one for compromising relationships. They say Capricorns are extremely loyal people, and I am one. Maybe the alignment of stars do say a bit about a person. Loyalties do not count in public service, supposedly. We are to be loyal only to the people we serve. Yet I have fought battles about loyalties, was forced to draw lines between my post and my person. I take pride in being caught in all that, bruised but surviving. 

The past five years, importantly, made me admit to one thing:  I am overrated. I am not really that smart. I thought I was, but I fall short of the standards there are out there. My conceit was so glaring, I think that if my spirit travelled out of my physical body, my spirit would slap the living daylights out of 'me'. There is so much more to learn, more to reflect upon, more to be thankful for each day, not whine or brag about. The past three years, in particular, was when I had to tell myself, 'yes, you failed'. But I need to dust off my sleeves and begin again. I cannot stop just because. I have too much of self-respect to stop. 

Relationships. Self-respect. These are two I value most, were put to the test. I do not know if I passed the tests. I am not aware of any yardstick used to conclude anything about 'passing' in the first place. What I do know is that the premium I put on these two: relationships and self-respect, did not change. In fact, I discovered that these are which keep me afloat in this crazy world of public service. If I flunked an exam, or a job interview because of that, all right then. Another bruise healed which left a mark. Moving on.