Relationships

I saw him arrive from the balcony of the 2nd floor of the conference venue. The sight of him triggered the panic attack: I started sweating, strange because the venue is in Baguio City some time in the really cold months. And then I could not breathe. I started to become dizzy, so I ran to the nearest rest room to wash my make-up-laden face, drank water from the tap which is so unsafe in Baguio. I struggled to get my wits back to normal.

This is how I remember this former boss. It is not fear of him that I felt at that time the attack was triggered; it was disdain for him and anger at myself for being helpless and not in control of the feelings I have for the man. He was a very, very difficult and complex character. As he was not a resident of our region, he would arrive at strange hours in the evening in the office, like a thief in the night, unannounced. He was perhaps thinking he would walk in to something wrong, so that he can talk about it lengthily in the convocation the next morning. He had a portable typewriter, and made memos on his own, and release the same to his specific people accusing them of this and that, without consultation. (I was told he typed with only his briefs on, but I cannot say for sure as I did not actually see him do that.) I surmise he based all these on the 'bulong' of others who want to be in his good graces. Then during his administration, anonymous letters started to spread, discrediting one or two whom he thought deserved the shame, then let these subjects of the letters explain in front of an office assembly. So they would, and they would all look defensive. 

His style was 'divide and rule'. Once, he asked me to see him in his office and started to 'relay' to me the terrible things Maan (a very close friend and colleague) said about me, allegedly. Then he would do the same to Maan. Admittedly, there were times I started to believe him, and the seeds of doubt and disappointment with Maan were planted. I think that it was also normal of Maan to feel the same way. What saved our friendship was the fact that we talk. We always do. We were able to figure out what our boss was doing: he was trying to split us, as it was pretty obvious Maan and I are allies. 

I recall all these now, what with all these crazy, confusing, stuff around the organizations in government. I say crazy and confusing because I may not grasp the wisdon behind it all for now. Maybe there is more to all these than plain shaming, 'divide and rule', and I need more time to fully comprehend it. The scale by which this are all happening may have a noble purpose, and I will leave it at that for now. I, however, would like to share this experience to underscore that all will be all right if we talk to each other: it is honesty and truth that relationships can be saved. And I say that because in all these? Relationships matter the most, and the one which deserve saving. Even in the broader scheme of things, down the line, it is the love and respect for people who mean to us which will matter. 

My kids describe our relationship, Maan and I, as 'relationship/friendship' goals. I like that. True, Maan and I have trekked this path for twenty-five years. It is not a perfect relationship. But when push comes to shove, I am definitely sure, she will have my back. And I will have hers.