Let's Talk About Me Part 5
So this morning I woke up to this realization: that our lives are not some subject on an action plan, where we can put activities, expected outputs, time frame, and persons responsible. You know, the ones our bosses force us to put down on paper but in the end, we all know and feel the outputs, the impact of our actions that those we put on paper are irrelevant. In all of the 47 years of my life, I did not plan. That may look like irresponsible to some, but yes, I just plunged into the serene then rapid waters, and floated then fought. 'Ride with the tide, man.', one of my friends told me. But be on guard, he said. To protect yourself from the indignities that either your calm or your fury may bring, he said further, or something to that effect, I just wrote it down better.
Anyway, I could have pages of paper to hold the list of all the unexpected twists and turns in this life of mine, but for purposes of making this blog concise, and not to hang all my dirty linens in public, so to speak, I will keep it for just five. I have OCD tendencies, so a flat five is important.
First twist in my drama: my father passed away early in life. Too early. He was at the peak of his person, even when a tragic turn of events in politics disturbed it. He was a good, good man, with a lovely, pure heart. He was in love with his wife, was devoted to his children, very charming that when I walked with him out in the streets with my hand in his along the streets, people who saw us would say he had a mistress (hey, I was about 18 that time so I already looked like I could be one, not to be offensive about it). His passing turned my world upside down. But I will not dwell on the details of that, as if you are a reader of my blogs, you would know by now what Papa meant to me. Needless to say, of all the lessons that I learned in thus life, I got this one in such a cruel and intense way. I felt, for the first time in my life, alone.
Second twist is when my mother remarried. I knew that Papa told her she should have a significant other again while he was dying on his hospital bed. But having to deal with her actually doing it was another story altogether. But my take on that was, we could not give her the happiness of having someone to grow old with, so I accepted her decision. I understand that much better now, really.
Third: I eloped. At 25 years old. With my husband now. It seemed to be the most logical and coldhearted decision I made in my life, one that I never thought I would have done, if the first two events did not happen. It was the most tiring time of my life, I suppose I needed rest from being the emotional crutch of everyone. I just had to leave. Not that I escaped all the challenges before me, (aside from the fact that Mama made me choose between him and them, which was quite melodramatic when I look at it now), of course I was in love. But that could have waited because I had my Mama and my siblings as priority then. Well, that did not change through the years, one of my sisters is still one of those I care deeply about and in my 'priority list'.
Fourth and the most joyous turns came seven years apart, was giving birth to the perfect, most beautiful, awe-inspiring people in the world, Ana and Aidan. My life is not at all perfect and beautiful and awe-inspiring, but these two, oh they are masterpieces of Him up there. When I am to be asked what or who is most important to me now, this minute, this second, my answer would be that I would be able leave this life with my kids, happy. Not living the 'normal' lives this society deems acceptable, but simply happy. That is important to me, because I realized too late in my life I should have been happy myself first before others in my life.
Fifth: there are people who came into my life unexpectedly, and showed me that my life is not that bad, in fact, they show me day after day that I am not alone. I put my palm on my chest and feel my heart as I write. Because I am filled to the brim with gratitude that I have them in my life. Those who just appreciate the person I am with all my warts; those who tell me they love me; those who care about a migraine attack enough not to text or call me so that I can rest; those to whom I hold on tightly because I do not want to fall into an abyss.
I have floated, I have fought. I have cackled, I have wailed. I have been kind, but I have also been a witch. I have put others above me, but I have also been selfish. In the end, though, I look back, and I was not on guard all the time. I have made choices which compromised my dignity. Yet I am happy. Happiness, they say, is a choice. So I made that choice, whatever consequences that choice may bring, I am absolutely sure, by the grace of Him up there looking down on me, He will hold me hand to cross that bridge.
Anyway, I could have pages of paper to hold the list of all the unexpected twists and turns in this life of mine, but for purposes of making this blog concise, and not to hang all my dirty linens in public, so to speak, I will keep it for just five. I have OCD tendencies, so a flat five is important.
First twist in my drama: my father passed away early in life. Too early. He was at the peak of his person, even when a tragic turn of events in politics disturbed it. He was a good, good man, with a lovely, pure heart. He was in love with his wife, was devoted to his children, very charming that when I walked with him out in the streets with my hand in his along the streets, people who saw us would say he had a mistress (hey, I was about 18 that time so I already looked like I could be one, not to be offensive about it). His passing turned my world upside down. But I will not dwell on the details of that, as if you are a reader of my blogs, you would know by now what Papa meant to me. Needless to say, of all the lessons that I learned in thus life, I got this one in such a cruel and intense way. I felt, for the first time in my life, alone.
Second twist is when my mother remarried. I knew that Papa told her she should have a significant other again while he was dying on his hospital bed. But having to deal with her actually doing it was another story altogether. But my take on that was, we could not give her the happiness of having someone to grow old with, so I accepted her decision. I understand that much better now, really.
Third: I eloped. At 25 years old. With my husband now. It seemed to be the most logical and coldhearted decision I made in my life, one that I never thought I would have done, if the first two events did not happen. It was the most tiring time of my life, I suppose I needed rest from being the emotional crutch of everyone. I just had to leave. Not that I escaped all the challenges before me, (aside from the fact that Mama made me choose between him and them, which was quite melodramatic when I look at it now), of course I was in love. But that could have waited because I had my Mama and my siblings as priority then. Well, that did not change through the years, one of my sisters is still one of those I care deeply about and in my 'priority list'.
Fourth and the most joyous turns came seven years apart, was giving birth to the perfect, most beautiful, awe-inspiring people in the world, Ana and Aidan. My life is not at all perfect and beautiful and awe-inspiring, but these two, oh they are masterpieces of Him up there. When I am to be asked what or who is most important to me now, this minute, this second, my answer would be that I would be able leave this life with my kids, happy. Not living the 'normal' lives this society deems acceptable, but simply happy. That is important to me, because I realized too late in my life I should have been happy myself first before others in my life.
Fifth: there are people who came into my life unexpectedly, and showed me that my life is not that bad, in fact, they show me day after day that I am not alone. I put my palm on my chest and feel my heart as I write. Because I am filled to the brim with gratitude that I have them in my life. Those who just appreciate the person I am with all my warts; those who tell me they love me; those who care about a migraine attack enough not to text or call me so that I can rest; those to whom I hold on tightly because I do not want to fall into an abyss.
I have floated, I have fought. I have cackled, I have wailed. I have been kind, but I have also been a witch. I have put others above me, but I have also been selfish. In the end, though, I look back, and I was not on guard all the time. I have made choices which compromised my dignity. Yet I am happy. Happiness, they say, is a choice. So I made that choice, whatever consequences that choice may bring, I am absolutely sure, by the grace of Him up there looking down on me, He will hold me hand to cross that bridge.
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