My Imperfect Life

He allegedly said, 'wow, your facebook posts seem you are all perfect.' That's referring to my sister's posts, with me. Because I have vowed I will be from now on passive about these things, I will let that be. But I just want to put it out there, that nope, I have never pretended on facebook about my life, because it is far from perfect. I have a crazy life, in fact, but I choose to project the good there is in it, rather than the 'not good', (the term 'bad' is a big word). Moreso, I post too much negativity on my page, on the contrary, that to say it is pretentious is, well, stupid.

Anyway, I wrote about my five truths in my last blog, those which I was 'forced' to ackowledge. The sharings /sessions, if you please, with the faculty of the Carl Jung Circle Center (read: psychiatrists) afforded me insights on these truths. 

On my first truth, that I am a 'trying hard' mom, they note that my tendencies to be 'overcompensating' is because I blame myself for all that happens to other people's lives, whether they are my children or not. Perhaps, they said, it is deeply rooted on my childhood (of course), and that I was not 'mothered' enough, or I was 'orphaned' in this life too many times. I take care of others first, they said, because I carry on a mission that my father left. I need to be the 'hero' in everything, so that others would love me back. Because I love with too much intensity. Hence, the 'roofing' with, and not 'living' with. I simply am not loved enough.

That holds true for my extreme generosity. I tend to 'buy' others to love me. Regardless of the generosity is coming from the kindness of my heart (I would like to think that). My fierce loyalty, too, stems from my fear of 'losing' the people I value. 

Losing my passion for work, is, according to them, not losing my passion for work itself, but I have lost the strength to hold on to it. I am simply tired. They noted that since I have been on the job for more than two decades, it is quite idiotic to claim I do not like my job. 

I fear being alone, they said. I need to be 'mothered', I need to be shown the same of depth of love I show (see, I feel like the world owes me) from others. 

From the get-go, you will probably say, she is crazy. I guess I am. But my co-dicussants said, 'you seem to hate yourself too much', or 'you tell stories about yourself and your life, and brand yourself as bad'. In the end, though, they feel strongly that I just need to love myself more. Simply that. Indulge. Be selfish. Those who truly love me do not need any explanation, otherwise, should they need one, they don't love me genuinely. 

So there. My life is not perfect. I am not pretentious. I am too honest, to the point to judgement. From those who should not. I am old, I am 47, yet I seek something still. At this point, all I can do, as they said and which I find most important now, is to love myself. Is that bad?