'Unmerging'

And so today, Aidan and I practiced for the first time, the results of my 'rethinking' regarding my insistence on being 'merged' with his life. Faculty of the Carl Jung Circle Center devoted half of a day discussing the 'mama's boy' syndrome. The discussions were interesting as my collagues in the course referred to their husbands  and the mothers-in-law when making a point. I however projected the discussion on me, and my relationship with my son. 

Since my son was about 6 or 7 years old, (Ate Ana was 14), I left home to work in this 'kingdom far far away' province and became a weekend mom. I helped with their homework via short/text messages; I made it a point they ate properly, and other mommy stuff, through this magnificent invention called the mobile phone. My kids coped with the situation, they are smart kids, and very patient. They got used to the set-up, not as a matter of choice. I think the important thing to both of them is that they have each other's backs, whatever happens. 

Because of my absence in their lives, I overcompensate for everything. I bring home food they liked, I took them to cafes, burger joints, pizza places. If there was anything which would propel a good conversation among us, it is food. I would buy them stuff they actually do not need but I 'shop' for them because I do not want to make them feel shortchanged. I know, stupid, right? 

Anyway before this weekend, I again sent a message to my son (exactly what I was recently advised not to do) telling him to make time for me as I was to be home. Of course, he replied, 'suuuurrrree, ma!'. So I spent an afternoon with him at home with delivered pizza, talked about things we usually do: the new app available which I might like for my work or my blog; his mobile phone and his new stuff in there; the new songs he downloaded which I might like (I do like his songs); and school, his teachers, friends, grades (he told me he will not have good ones this quarter). We spent the night again talking, about random stuff. Then he said, 'I will be out tomorrow, ma, scrabble club.' 

That meant lunch with him the following day was out of the question. I was due to leave for work again that day, so I was looking forward to that lunch. I settled for a kiss by his school gate, then he rushed back in to the scrabble club after saying, 'I will make it up to you next weekend, promise.' My sister with me aptly commented, 'Look at them, they have their own lives now.'

With Ana, my daughter, I am still starting to come to terms with that fact: that she has her own life now (and she just turned 21 this month, which is like saying that fact to my face). She has a job, a boyfriend, a small apartment, her friends and her books. Way down that list is, well, Mom. I am okay with that. She has earned my trust and it will just take a little while longer to accept the fact that she has outgrown me. But I will accept that, not as a matter of choice. With Aidan, my son, it is not that easy. I have issues with him 'unmerging' from me. For one, I have this guilt gnawing at my soul. I have been less than a Mom he deserves. I feed that guilt everyday, by telling myself, 'you are inadequate, do more.' Another issue is that, I feel he needs me, more than his sister. I have other issues but I will stop here. 

Which brings me to a point that one of lecturers (Exploring The Self, Carl Jung Circle Center) surfaced when I discussed  this with her, she told me: 'those are YOUR issues, not your son's.' I have this talent, this gift, to immediately respond to remarks which offend me. Some sarcastic remark spews out of my mouth, much like a default setting. When my lecturer said that, I was speechless. Not only because what she said was true for my situation with my son, but for all that I overly concern myself about. Which consequently makes me crazy.

Sometimes I wish I were stupid, you know? So that this brain would not overanalyze who I am, what my purpose is in this life, and other deep thoughts. Like this one thought about my relationship with my son. She (the lecturer) said, we must wait for our sons to invite us to their lives; that our 'merging' with our sons is a natural, given bond; that to allow 'unmerging' would enable our sons to come into their own. I wanted to retort (see, it really is inmy default settings), 'not when they are 14 years old!'. 

Truth is I am not stupid. I am fortunate to have been blessed with a brain which draw life from 'overanalyzing' and 'overthinking'. Concomitantly, my heart 'over-acts'. I am more fortunate to have kids like Ana and Aidan, not only because they have this utterly sickening tolerance for a Mom whose choices are 'questionable'. 

So I resolve to slowly 'unmerge' from Aidan, not because I was told so but because I love him too much to let him grow up with  feelings of uselessness, isolation and despair typical of 'mama's boys'.  I will let him come into his own. I will wait to be invited to his life, until he feels he misses Mom.