'Alpas'

So another union falls apart. It was a whirlwind romance, the two fell so in love after meeting in a party somewhere. I knew about it, but I did not have any inkling it would be serious. Until I woke up half-sane with my anaesthesia from my surgery to remove yet again another set of growths in my left breast. I opened my eyes, and the the couple in love stared back at me. It seemed they were nervously waiting for me to wake up. It was actually a stupid time to introduce a special someone to anyone just out of surgery, but what to do. So I forced myself to smile, and opened my mouth to say hello, recalling now I did not have my dentures on. I barely remember what I said to the boyfriend, nothing rude, I hoped then.

Well now I hope I said something rude. Or something so offending so that I turned him off straight away. Maybe I should have let my mother come out of my mouth so that the guy would have run out of that hospital room scared out of his wits. He scares easily, actually. Especially of mothers. He does not say much, he is quiet, always proper and respectful. He was a caring and loving man, as I saw him, and there was really no reason not to like him. In fact, we all fell in love with him. As they say, when you fall so easy, you need to take a step back and rethink that. And yes, we did rethink it.

Hindsight, I completely understand now why this happened, why two people so into each other would slowly drift apart. I always say, 'it takes two to tango'. Somehow the fault in this not only lies with one, but both, if a relationship does exist in the first place. There is no one-sided angle to any falling apart, something became off somewhere because of two people, not one. Second, extended families are a pain. They get involved when they are not supposed to, stepping over the line unintentionally to take care of their 'side'. In some cases, this is more pronounced, with families who are so wrongly-tightly-knit. I remember one foreigner-friend who noted that we Filipinos overdo the 'extended' notion of family. I feel now that observation is valid. Third, it does not help that one in the relationship is more intelligent than the other. I say that with all due respect to whoever. In my experience, I am the inferior one, so there. I need not say more. 

In the end, though, a union broken like any other is a waste. It is a disappointment. It is painful. One feels the raw ache from the heart, slowly creeping up its way to the throat, that one would want to scream up to the heavens and ask, why? One finds breathlessness as a way of life, and only when one stops breathing? It is the only time one goes back to the reality that one is, oh, 'I am still alive.'  Yes, the world is suddenly upside down. One will feel betrayed, useless, degraded, abused, violated, oh the pitiful adjectives are unending. One attempts to assuage all these swirling emotions gnawing through one's being by turning to God, prayers, conversations with friends on the same subject over and over and over, wee-hours-of-the-morning phone calls to family, drinking, partying, what-not. One props up a brave front through it all, because lfe has to go on.

Life. Goes. On. Easy to say for others, moreso for one whose life has seemingly ended. Life will seem like a curse, because one is forced to live it no matter if one feels like a zombie passing through each moment. But the truth is, I have learned that life indeed does go on. What insult it is to God to believe it has ended just because love was lost from one, among many who have me in their hearts. What arrogance it is to Him, to see myself as pathetic just because the one I love chose the other one, instead of me, when I have so much of me to give yet. So with those thoughts, one needs to crawl back to living again, even if it takes every ounce of one's being to do so. One needs to dust off sleeves, brush back hair disheveled, and walk again. One leg, then another. One needs to look at the crossroads and choose another path and walk towards it, even if fear overwhelms all reason. One needs to look up in gratitude. And hope. What for?, one would ask. The answer to that one will only find along the path taken.