karma

'karma', he told me. what i am going through now. from relations by virtue of blood and their friends who use the platform of social media to post cheap shots and spiteful remarks about me, seething with anger, like it is a victory each moment they and their friends (who have nothing more important things to do in their lives but to ride on the remark and make fun of me, i.e. comment: hahaha!) are able to provoke me to 'post' back. the ever vulnerable and stupid me most of the time succumb to the temptation and retaliate. as if the retaliation will redeem part of my honor (what is left of it, though).

i look back and yes, i have had my share of being 'them'. i have posted cheap shots, spiteful remarks, ranted, vented anger, directed at other people. i felt the exhiliration of the victory when people notice, when people get hurt because of my posts. my attention has been called several times to it, by the older and wiser, but while i appreciated their opinions, the headstrong and proud me insisted, 'hey this is my account, i post what i want'. 

i can say now that this is what i get for being so mean and arrogant. i am accepting of that. i just want to put it out there that i am apologetic, but hurt, too. that these remarks i have never, ever directed to this one person, who is the most falsely proud, arrogant and manipulative person i have known. never. because i love this person. so, having said that, i will raise my right hand now and say the following, as a pledge (to myself) and to social media:

that i will do to the best of my ability not to post cheap shots, spiteful remarks, rant or be angry on social media (ok, only about personal stuff; i need to make an exception about current events in this country which i feel passionate about);

that i will no longer be bullied to retaliate to whatever is said about me;

that i will no longer breed the dependence of others on me, lest i be a accused of deprivation rather than be thanked for blessings past; and be the object of that deprivation (which is the case now, long story, but triggered by some other matter which is about me and my life, underscore made on 'me' and 'my'); 

that i will spend my energy on more relevant matters, that being others, instead of i, me and myself (ok, you will have to allow me selfies every now and then);

sorry to all i have hurt thru my posts. you will all be in memories, i have no choice about that, so the memories better be good. i don't want to spend my golden days on a rocking chair somewhere, grumpy and bitter. i want to spend it gracefully aged, with wrinkles which found and grew on places only consistent with my wisdom.

-written with a lesson learned the most difficult way, but thankful anyway.