Motherhood and Heartbreaks

I was called names days past. Indiscreet, demanding, insistent, proud, stubborn, liar, incompetent, undeserving of what I have. And that I put in sanitized form. I can imagine how vulgar it was when spoken, together with the judgement of the righteous. Or so they think. It was no surprise to me, what surprised me was the reaction of others to it. Since I have been calm the past couple of weeks which was actually scaring me (like the calm before a storm), I sarcastically resigned myself to explain my side, then eventually accepting of the mistakes I made. Humility will not kill, heartbreak does. 

It is sad, though, that all these come a couple of days before Mother's Day. It is a day I look forward to not only because it is an excuse to food binge (we already had pizza and all that cholesterol overloaded food earlier) but it is a time when mothers are thanked for, well, simply having carried life in their wombs for nine months, and bringing 'small people' (as allegedly called by Ultron in the latest Avengers) into the world. Never mind the rearing, never mind the schooling, never mind the efforts to give them the best. Those are obligations, responsibilities. Just to be thanked for birthing. And from those we try to be 'mothers' for, not by virtue of blood, an acknowledgement for simply trying, is enough.

It is not Mother's Day yet. So yes, I will accept all that is thrown at me. As if one day in a year should only be the day when we are entitled to recognition and gratitude. Still and all, we are temporary caretakers of our children. We raise them with all the love and generosity we can muster, and it is entirely wrong to exact payback. That is the ultimate sin a parent can commit. We let them go when it is time, and let them start lives of their own, with fingers crossed that we taught them well. From our successes and especially from our failures.

I do admit that my arrogance prompts me to expect payback, but then reason takes over me, realizing that this is fuelled by my desire to justify my mistakes, my shortcomings, my irresponsibility, my insensitivities. Respect begets respect, and I have no right to demand for it just because I am a mother. Especially so when I have also failed to afford the respect my children rightfully deserve. They are good kids, really. I am always thankful that they are.

What to do? I made my  choices. These cannot be undone. Perhaps in time I will be gifted by God an oppotunity to right the wrongs. He always directs me, albeit me being unaware. 'Look at the signs', I imagine Him saying. Yes, I see them. Everyday, I see them. And my heart breaks.