The Sins Of Our Mothers

Ana is back in school and she told me interesting stories about her classes. In her psychotherapy class, she was recently asked a question about religion, and her feelings about it. In many words, she told me. The simpest way to put what she said is: to her, one's belief in God is an exercise of faith, not of routine. Her professor for the subject, she says, is really good. She told her class that it takes continuous learning and experience to be an expert in psychotherapy, 'when I was 25 years old, I thought I knew everything', she said.

When I was 19 years old, I thought I knew everything. I was already teaching college classes then, so why would I not think that? Yet two decades after, I am still an idiot. Just because I took on responsibility for someone beyond my age, does not mean I have the wisdom to discern all there is about this life. 

I have learned plenty, though. And today, one important lesson I formed in my mind is this: it takes more than ability to be a mother. Ability, in this case, is my  physical being: I have ovaries, I was able to conceive, carry a baby in my womb for nine months, to endure labor pains, and push. For the first few years, I can claim to have done everything right. I fed my kids, changed diapers, gave them baths, chose their clothes, etc. Still, after those years, I thought I was again doing everything right by teaching them the alphabet, to count, to sing silly kids's songs, answered the millions of 'why's' from them the best I could.

And then they started to grow up. They developed their own set of values. Both evolved to individuals, unique unto their own. They are now headstrong, opinionated, so straightforward that I sometimes I feel my heart break from every honest thought thrown in at casual conversations. I hide behind the fact that I am their mother, and what should be, simply because I am.

These days, recovering from what may be the happiest yet most painful  years of my adult life, I recognize that no matter how steadfast we are in keeping the basic tenets of motherhood, others can be unforgiving and critical. Those who stand proud that they are better, yet blind to their own sins.  Truth is, even if I made the most stupid decisions there are to make, I am a mother. I am unique unto my own. I am headstrong, opinionated, and straightforward, that I can make hearts break from every honest thought I throw in at casual conversations. From today though,  I will no longer hide behind the fact that I am my kids's mother, simply because I am. I will work at it until I am seen as such in its pure sense. Maybe one day, whether I am alive or not, I will seen differently. That I, too, deserve to be fought for, regardless of an idiot I am. Because, my goodness, I deserve that.

- written with these thoughts: you have no right to bring children into this world if you cannot be absolutely sure you can do everything correctly. by whose standards, i have no idea.