'Trade-Offs'

She said, 'there is nothing that you have in your life now that did not require a trade-off'. I looked up from my tablet (I was again on fb instead of focusing on the discussion) and looked at her, our speaker. She is this sweet little woman of Chinese ancestry, (I presume) who stood in front of all of us with the confidence, wit and intellect I can only hope I have (even half of all she has in her is a dream). I was in a wellness camp, in an attempt to discover my work-life balance and perhaps tighten some bolts and screws if needed. So that statement she casually said made my attempt take off. I was waiting for a push, and there she said it. 

She is right. Many among us in the audience resisted the idea she brought up: there were reactions here and there: 'oh no, I am perfectly all right, I did not give up anything to be where I am...' Or, '....not really it depends upon how you manage your time, etc...'. That is how managers are, I guess. Our default settings are on 'pride' or 'ego' mode. We build a fortress around us, thinking that it protects us: from attachment, from caring, from giving a damn about people. We must put a brick on that wall everyday to keep us focused on work. Trade-off: we all have become consumed by our desire to be the best in our fields, that we forgot about our lives outside of the four corners of our airconditioned offices. Like I did. I left my kids in their most vulnerable ages and worked far north, not only because I needed the job to support them. It was mostly because I needed to prove to everyone I can get things done. For whatever purpose, I think about it now? I do not have an acceptable answer. I only know that I missed the milestones there were in my children's lives, and no technology can rewind time. 

We recently elected our new leaders. The road to that was marred with discord, friendships forever changed, in a nation now broken. The freedom we enjoy to voice out our views have been spun in the way of tornadoes, destroying all in its path. Yes, we all were heard, the privilege of claiming the cleanest of elections in this country with shattered pieces of its whole as trade-off. Many ride now on the word 'healing', like it is some potion anyone can buy over-the-counter in drugstores. Ever the pessimist and the worrier, I feel from the pit of my stomach that 'healing' will take a very, very long time. I can only take refuge in hope. Ever the realist, too,  I know that while hope springs eternal, and that we all look to better times ahead, still, getting to where we are now resulted from allowing our vulnerabilities to be out in the open, whipped with lashes we can never recover from. That is, yet again, a trade-off.

Plenty more trade-offs, really, in our lives. I can only tell myself to start again, each day. I will name everyday after that app my son told me to download because he thought of me when he saw it first introduced: Day One. Everyday from now on is Day One to me. I will tread carefully on each Day One, to make sure that my 'trade-offs'? Those should be the ones well worth everything. I know. No one can strike a balance like that. But I should at least try.