'Before The Elections'

I asked a friend of mine who she was voting for and she told me. I was taken by surprise by the choice so I immediately asked, why? She just shrugged her shoulders and said, 'para maiba naman.' I wanted to retort, 'ang alin?' But friendships are important to me so I stopped right there and smiled. I do not engage in arguments about religion or politics, it cheapens me, far as I am concerned. Discussions, yes, but even that I get passionate about sometimes I blurt out words unguarded to my regret. I guess there are personal reasons for our choices, not just of leaders, but of each step, every turn, in our lives.

Hindsight my choices were wrong, mostly. These put me in desperate situations, because at the time the choices were made, these presented both the immediate and long-term solutions to the pressing problems. Like in the movie 'Sophie's Choice', when Meryl Streep's character was asked to choose between her two children in the middle of war, the options in front of me were all difficult. I realize now that I made the choices anchored between two things I value most: my self-respect, and the happiness of those I love. In all modesty, I always chose that which addressed the second. Taking one choice over the other, I always justified with, 'I am giving others a hand.' Or, 'I am doing this with all good intentions.' Of course, those mantras plunged me to further desperation.

It was not until I started to run to the ER frequently when I felt (or thought) I was not well even when nothing was actually wrong, that I realized that I needed to start to make choices for myself. The self-respect I was always putting on the line 'for others' was now completely brushed aside to make room for pleasing others, I thought, that my body was acting up. Not even the good intentions came into play anymore. And so having decided that I had to start being selfish, as in any other thing I do, I did with passion. I can no longer determine whether the decision to think of my self first is right or wrong. I only know that I made the decision for myself, and for my children who are the extensions of my being. Otherwise, if that decision was not reached, I would be dead by now. 

In nine days or so, I have to choose again. This time, a very important decision has to be made. The choices presented to me are diverse, and all embodiments of people I either desire or detest. They all tried to convince me that they can lead this country to a 'brighter future' (pardon the cliche). The choice will have to be made, yet again, based on either: my self-respect or the happiness of others. My  daughter will vote for the one who she is comfortable with, my son likes the 'collected' one, the husband seems to lean towards the 'DOM' (and I roll my eyes as I write that part). I choose the calm and bred; the one who was teased as running to the bathroom before a debate so many times because he was a nervous wreck; the one who refuses to stop despite of so many factors which seemed to have pulled him back from the Presidency. Many perceive him as not fit, for several reasons. I see him as fit for many reasons, too. He looks to me as that one whom my choice will find that combination of the two anchors I hold: my self-respect, and the happiness of others (in this case, my fellow citizens). Half a decade of my life, this is the first time I am not forced to make one more important than the other. I look at him and his resilience, his patience, his stepping aside when it was called for, as strengths. Aside of course from his qualifications and experience. Those are 'givens'. But the man has made choices similar to mine, presented with the difficult, chose that which would still his self-respect, and show respect to those who were wanting of it six years ago. This man knows his place. 

These days I am saddened by the others and their choices, but such is the reward and the punishment of freedom. I am free to choose, and the rest also have the same privilege. I just pray that whoever most of us will trust to be President, will make the right choices, based sound assumptions and clear understanding of what reality is in this country hounded by evil for so long, so as not to plunge us in more desperation. I personally have vowed that I will never again allow my situtation to be desperate, and that taking care of time, my time, is on top of the list. Another six years is a long time. I will vote for that which will allow me to be, make the best of the moments, and inpire meaning to my work and gratitude for its peaks and rock-bottoms. And that who I can leave my children with, hopefully with families of their own soon, and not worry about them, from wherever I may be after this life.