The War Between My Brain And My Heart In Ana’s Thoughts

God is not the head of a 'wish-granting factory.' Or something like that.  This, from my 23-year-old Ana, during our late morning conversation over my coffee and smokes, and her Milo in-between morsels of popcorn and almonds. As usual, when we had the chance to talk on weekends, we went from trivial to deep, in extremes. At one point we would gossip about other people, then we would go to topics of old souls: life and all there is to it.

I listened to her tell me yes, she prays each and every chance she gets, to our God and ask for guidance and strength, not just for her but for those she loves; and to say 'thank you' for all the blessings we have. 'I never ask Him to 'give me this or that', Mom.', she told me, because she believes in earning her keep. God will give you a chance, she says, and it is up to you as to how to spin that. I have seen in her this wisdom even when she was young. She never behaved like she was entitled to anything, and never complained. One can only imagine how wiser she is now.

Which made me rethink my disposition the past days when I was whining, ranting and what-not about how tiring this life has become for me. I have been engaging in self-flagellation for more than three decades now, and yet, I am still alive. I have survived one desperation after another, and while I do not proclaim my unending faith to my God in a fashion others would, I believe that my God has ushered me through always.

I find that when there is a war in my head and in my heart, between what I feel is ought to be against that which is happening in reality, a moment is somehow gifted me to reveal that the war is a waste of precious time and energy. Listening to my daughter, Ana, this morning, was one of those moments.