Tired of Self-Pity and Defeat

Years ago, I was privileged to have been mentored and coached by consultants of the Food And Agriculture Organization on agri-marketing. Aris, the consultant who helped me largely with what I now know about it, always ended his lectures on the topic by telling the farmer-participants in the sessions we conducted with them using this line: 'So the basic rule that all of you must know in marketing your agri-produce is this: there are no rules out there.' By 'out there', he meant that world which our farmers almost always fail to recognize. There is life beyond farms, Aris would always tell them, but do all things in good faith and all will be fine. I think about that now, and I realize the same is true with life, in general.

The thing about good faith nowadays is that it does not sell any longer. Good faith is what losers in this world arm themselves with, and the winners are the shrewd, cruel, most often those who will compromise everything including their souls, just to survive. Which is a dilemma to me, because I was raised to do all in good faith. I was taught that no matter what will become as a result of my actions, as long as my intentions are good, as long as I did not destroy other people's lives, as long as I did not sell my soul, all will be fine.

Yet I feel largely defeated by those on the other side. I find myself many times struggling to be validated: that yes, while I have weaknesses and vulnerabilities, I am a good person. I know how it feels to be violated, so I endeavor not to cause anyone to feel the same. Worse, I have expectations. I expect others to understand who I am, why I make moronic decisions, and to love me back as much as I love them, regardless.

I find now that the root of all the feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and what-not is expectation. Because I think I have good faith, I expect others to have the same. Which, I surmise now, only imbeciles would do. So I decided as I write this to let go of all expectations, put an end to my never-ending quest for validation of my person, and live day after day still doing all in good faith. Yes, there are no rules out there. We can only live the rules our hearts believe to be those which will save us from throes of self-pity and defeat. And I am tired. Extremely tired of self-pity and defeat.