Of Trash Talk, Mudslinging, Labels and Judgement
The most awful conversation I had in my life was with this former boss and a friend who, in an attempt to run for public office, requested that the department assign me in his province, his target constituency. He said he would beg my new boss for my transfer if he had to. He was once at the helm of this department, but even if I was close to this guy (we go way back, we were friends) I did not get promoted nor was given any preferential attention during his term of office. He told me then that if I thought that my connection with him would take me places, I assumed wrong. I was speechless when he said that. So, when he called years later after he left the department to tell me he wanted me and my help, I was flattered. Of course. Of all the people that he could have requested to head the department in his province, he chose me. I got his call late at night, so I slept with a smile on my face. In fact, hindsight, I thought I said, yes to him. But I did not, really. When I woke up the day after, it all began to sink in. I felt creepy in the stomach, then it hit me. How could I be so naive? I was about to be used. And used in a really vulgar fashion.
I began to practice a script in my head, how to tell him, 'no'. I ran through the 'script' : I could not leave my assigned province now because; one, I had commitments to honor with my clients and my national agency counterparts; two, I had personal issues to resolve and leaving would make me less decent; three, I have my colleagues in the organization whom I have come to sincerely care for and I cannot leave them at a time of uncertainty. Our department was about to be reorganized that time. There, I told myself. That would be convincing.
I called him. The conversation started pleasantly, then I began to render the 'script'. As I was telling him, I started to feel tears welling up. I started to had difficulty breathing, acid was at the base of my throat. Then he raised his voice to me, let out anger in words I cannot even remember. But I do remember two phrases of that exchange coming from him: 'you just put my political career at risk' and 'kaya wala kang pera, maarte ka!'. I remember just crying at the other end of the line, until he pushed the 'end' button of the mobile phone.
And so I sat down and replayed what just happened again and again in my mind. I felt the pain in my chest so raw I felt like I was going to vomit blood. I was hurt because I realized, the 'script' was not a 'script' at all. Everything I said was true, I had commitments, official and personal, and yes, regardless of the stories I hear now from that province I embraced with my heart and soul, I love my colleagues there. I wanted to call him back to say, 'your career at risk?, what about mine?' And, 'yes, wala akong pera kasi maarte ako.'
I write this now, in the midst of all the trash talk and mudslinging made by people not only directed at me, but among colleagues as well. Reorganization, which is ongoing in ours, in any workplace is not only difficult, it brings out the worst in people. I guess when we are pushed against the wall and we fight for survival, we awaken the monsters inside us. Sad. I view my workplace as my second home, where my second family lives, where we nurture relationships instead of burying them in waste. Now, this time of uncertainty has eroded that view. I have no second home or family to speak of, barely no relationships are built, (I have a few, actually and I thank God for them) so there is nothing to nurture. What I do have around me mostly, are mere creatures who disguise as humans beings, perfect, permanent smiles plastered across their faces. Forced laughters echo when I am around. Delicately planned situations to effect concern. Stories made up here and there supposedly to make me look good. An unending web of lies, a spider would be put to shame. I have been labelled maliciously. All for self-preservation. All for self-interest. I keep telling myself that all these will pass. It's just a phase, this terrible letting go of people who worked in the department for decades. But you see, regardless of any difficulty, monsters inside us should not be awakened, that's how I have survived.
Many among my colleagues whose objectives were not achieved because of me and my decisions have resorted to take cheap shots at me, my character. Judging me. I write this now because it is a story, among many, when I held on to my belief that people are not to be used, but to be respected at the very least.
Perhaps when I stood my ground with this former boss, I realized that in the end, whatever the lure of entitlement and privilege there is in a position of power, there are non-negotiables. I know. That is not the way to go. As one cigarette ad says, 'don't be a maybe'. In this complicated life, we are all expected to stand firm on one side and one side only. No in-betweens, no grey areas, no compromises. That's easy for anyone to say. Try having my job. I saw so many opportunities pass me by to make life easier for me and for others. I took some, I refused some. I entered into compromises for 'peaceful co-existence' and to get the job done. I get the job done, and more, almost all the time.
Compromise. It is tricky. But in this day and age, necessary, whether we admit it or not. Anyone who says otherwise, is a hypocrite. There are those who are in positions of power who would like to think they are above all, claim they do not succumb to the entitlement and privileges that go with their power, unaware that others see their rotten core. That they too, compromise. But as most people, they do not see themselves. They only see others.
We all make decisions everyday, and we hold the shovel to bury ourselves with, everytime a decision is made. What then, do we do with the shovel? That is what I have in my hands, so I do my best not to start digging my own grave. When faced with the choice of riding on entitlement and privilege, I tell myself these: Nothing is to be done if it detrimental to the constituents I serve and to the colleagues I have responsibility over. No one will be unjustly treated or humiliated. Everyone is to have self-worth. Decency is important to me and by that I mean decent inside, not for show. Conformity to norms is not it. Those who will not understand that are not decent, in the first place. I do not judge. I always choose to see the good in people, even when I know I am being taken for a ride. Above all, I do not risk one and only one thing that I have left in this cruel world, my self-respect. I made that clear with my former boss when I refused to be his whore. And I will make it clear everyday. I write this now so I can say, to all those who wish me well, I am grateful. To those who wish me ill. Bring. It. On.
I began to practice a script in my head, how to tell him, 'no'. I ran through the 'script' : I could not leave my assigned province now because; one, I had commitments to honor with my clients and my national agency counterparts; two, I had personal issues to resolve and leaving would make me less decent; three, I have my colleagues in the organization whom I have come to sincerely care for and I cannot leave them at a time of uncertainty. Our department was about to be reorganized that time. There, I told myself. That would be convincing.
I called him. The conversation started pleasantly, then I began to render the 'script'. As I was telling him, I started to feel tears welling up. I started to had difficulty breathing, acid was at the base of my throat. Then he raised his voice to me, let out anger in words I cannot even remember. But I do remember two phrases of that exchange coming from him: 'you just put my political career at risk' and 'kaya wala kang pera, maarte ka!'. I remember just crying at the other end of the line, until he pushed the 'end' button of the mobile phone.
And so I sat down and replayed what just happened again and again in my mind. I felt the pain in my chest so raw I felt like I was going to vomit blood. I was hurt because I realized, the 'script' was not a 'script' at all. Everything I said was true, I had commitments, official and personal, and yes, regardless of the stories I hear now from that province I embraced with my heart and soul, I love my colleagues there. I wanted to call him back to say, 'your career at risk?, what about mine?' And, 'yes, wala akong pera kasi maarte ako.'
I write this now, in the midst of all the trash talk and mudslinging made by people not only directed at me, but among colleagues as well. Reorganization, which is ongoing in ours, in any workplace is not only difficult, it brings out the worst in people. I guess when we are pushed against the wall and we fight for survival, we awaken the monsters inside us. Sad. I view my workplace as my second home, where my second family lives, where we nurture relationships instead of burying them in waste. Now, this time of uncertainty has eroded that view. I have no second home or family to speak of, barely no relationships are built, (I have a few, actually and I thank God for them) so there is nothing to nurture. What I do have around me mostly, are mere creatures who disguise as humans beings, perfect, permanent smiles plastered across their faces. Forced laughters echo when I am around. Delicately planned situations to effect concern. Stories made up here and there supposedly to make me look good. An unending web of lies, a spider would be put to shame. I have been labelled maliciously. All for self-preservation. All for self-interest. I keep telling myself that all these will pass. It's just a phase, this terrible letting go of people who worked in the department for decades. But you see, regardless of any difficulty, monsters inside us should not be awakened, that's how I have survived.
Many among my colleagues whose objectives were not achieved because of me and my decisions have resorted to take cheap shots at me, my character. Judging me. I write this now because it is a story, among many, when I held on to my belief that people are not to be used, but to be respected at the very least.
Perhaps when I stood my ground with this former boss, I realized that in the end, whatever the lure of entitlement and privilege there is in a position of power, there are non-negotiables. I know. That is not the way to go. As one cigarette ad says, 'don't be a maybe'. In this complicated life, we are all expected to stand firm on one side and one side only. No in-betweens, no grey areas, no compromises. That's easy for anyone to say. Try having my job. I saw so many opportunities pass me by to make life easier for me and for others. I took some, I refused some. I entered into compromises for 'peaceful co-existence' and to get the job done. I get the job done, and more, almost all the time.
Compromise. It is tricky. But in this day and age, necessary, whether we admit it or not. Anyone who says otherwise, is a hypocrite. There are those who are in positions of power who would like to think they are above all, claim they do not succumb to the entitlement and privileges that go with their power, unaware that others see their rotten core. That they too, compromise. But as most people, they do not see themselves. They only see others.
We all make decisions everyday, and we hold the shovel to bury ourselves with, everytime a decision is made. What then, do we do with the shovel? That is what I have in my hands, so I do my best not to start digging my own grave. When faced with the choice of riding on entitlement and privilege, I tell myself these: Nothing is to be done if it detrimental to the constituents I serve and to the colleagues I have responsibility over. No one will be unjustly treated or humiliated. Everyone is to have self-worth. Decency is important to me and by that I mean decent inside, not for show. Conformity to norms is not it. Those who will not understand that are not decent, in the first place. I do not judge. I always choose to see the good in people, even when I know I am being taken for a ride. Above all, I do not risk one and only one thing that I have left in this cruel world, my self-respect. I made that clear with my former boss when I refused to be his whore. And I will make it clear everyday. I write this now so I can say, to all those who wish me well, I am grateful. To those who wish me ill. Bring. It. On.
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