Hope
There are times I feel this deep, creeping sadness, fear, insecurity, frustration, anger, whatever it is at a certain point in time, slowly consuming me until my heart beats so fast I'm afraid it will burst. Then I close my eyes and force myself to think of the moments in my life when these feelings are uncalled for. I count the precious moments of simple joys, realize there are hundreds of them, and I start to breathe easy. I know many will not understand why I have to exert effort to calm myself, to reassure and comfort myself. Probably a lot would wonder why I still experience this angst when I seem to be complete. The key word, being 'seem'. Only a few friends, and a few of my relatives (yes, even relatives) truly get me.
Robin Williams took his own life a few days back. Those of us who grew up with him and his films I am sure, were shocked. This man 'seemed' to be happy, what with his mastery of his art, eliciting laughter even from the most coldhearted. I loved Mrs. Doubtfire the most, not only because he was insanely funny in the character, but it showed a deeper side of him. They say Robin Williams battled alcoholism and drug abuse in the past, checked himself in rehab to get better. His spokesperson stated that he has been fighting severe depression in the recent years. Recent news revealed he was found to have Parkinsons Disease.
Many use the word 'depression' carelessly, not knowing what it is truly. I can't even define it properly myself. To those who dismiss the condition as trivial, think again. I have been diagnosed with 'mild depression' more than a decade ago, and now back on the same road. It is so easy to say depression can be battled with merely having your 'mind' over 'heart'. Reason over emotion. And with the presence, support of people you value most and love, you are 'expected' to be alright, to be fine. I really hope it was that simple. I wish I could explain more clearly what I struggle to deal with when this overwhelming sadness take over my soul: cold sweat form on my forehead for no apparent reason, the cold feeling starts to take over my body from the top of my head, down to my chest I can barely breathe, then the cold leave through my body's extremities; at times hyperventilation is triggered by simply the sight of a person whose presence upsets me, or if I am thrown in the middle of a compromising situation. The attack of breathlessness ensues (some call it 'panic' attack). I know what you are thinking. I am describing the symptoms of menopause. Let me be quick to add this. Menopause does not impose a sense of inadequacy, loneliness, and degraded self-esteem. I was prescribed pills to provide a semblance of physical stability, just to prevent me from keeling over suddenly and die. But after the effect of the pills wear off, I still feel those demons lurking somewhere out there. And I fear that they will come again at any moment, to take over my being.
Sadness. Fear. Insecurity. Frustration. Anger. Only a few of the demons which our minds and our souls are vulnerable to. All those put together, I imagine would be lethal. I feel those every now and then, one at a time. I guess I should be thankful they come that way, one feeling at a time. But each feeling takes its time to leave, and it is exhausting, much like an obnoxious visitor at a home. There is nothing you want more than for the visitor to leave, but you are forced to wait until the decision to leave is made. I bounce back to being 'normal', eventually, however one defines 'normal'. I am able to enjoy more days of 'normalcy' than not. So I pray each morning when I wake up, with a thankful heart for all that I am given, good or bad. I open my heart to the love of those who dare give it to me and I pour out of it the same love to them. I cling to hope, not to pills, because in the end, alone, that is all I have. Safe to say perhaps that it is the same for all us. We all are gifted with the capacity to hope. Even when we are alone, whether by choice or not.
Maybe Robin Williams forgot hope springs eternal, or he got completely exhausted fighting, I don't know. I can only speak for myself. Each breath I take, every cackle, each tear I shed, each embrace I return, every kiss, every forehead bump with my son, every 'love you, mom' from my daughter, every whimper of our pet Winkee, every rainbow, each breathtaking view of the sea and the mountains and the trees, of the sun and the moon. All these I take in, their love and their beauty, and remind myself, hope.
Robin Williams took his own life a few days back. Those of us who grew up with him and his films I am sure, were shocked. This man 'seemed' to be happy, what with his mastery of his art, eliciting laughter even from the most coldhearted. I loved Mrs. Doubtfire the most, not only because he was insanely funny in the character, but it showed a deeper side of him. They say Robin Williams battled alcoholism and drug abuse in the past, checked himself in rehab to get better. His spokesperson stated that he has been fighting severe depression in the recent years. Recent news revealed he was found to have Parkinsons Disease.
Many use the word 'depression' carelessly, not knowing what it is truly. I can't even define it properly myself. To those who dismiss the condition as trivial, think again. I have been diagnosed with 'mild depression' more than a decade ago, and now back on the same road. It is so easy to say depression can be battled with merely having your 'mind' over 'heart'. Reason over emotion. And with the presence, support of people you value most and love, you are 'expected' to be alright, to be fine. I really hope it was that simple. I wish I could explain more clearly what I struggle to deal with when this overwhelming sadness take over my soul: cold sweat form on my forehead for no apparent reason, the cold feeling starts to take over my body from the top of my head, down to my chest I can barely breathe, then the cold leave through my body's extremities; at times hyperventilation is triggered by simply the sight of a person whose presence upsets me, or if I am thrown in the middle of a compromising situation. The attack of breathlessness ensues (some call it 'panic' attack). I know what you are thinking. I am describing the symptoms of menopause. Let me be quick to add this. Menopause does not impose a sense of inadequacy, loneliness, and degraded self-esteem. I was prescribed pills to provide a semblance of physical stability, just to prevent me from keeling over suddenly and die. But after the effect of the pills wear off, I still feel those demons lurking somewhere out there. And I fear that they will come again at any moment, to take over my being.
Sadness. Fear. Insecurity. Frustration. Anger. Only a few of the demons which our minds and our souls are vulnerable to. All those put together, I imagine would be lethal. I feel those every now and then, one at a time. I guess I should be thankful they come that way, one feeling at a time. But each feeling takes its time to leave, and it is exhausting, much like an obnoxious visitor at a home. There is nothing you want more than for the visitor to leave, but you are forced to wait until the decision to leave is made. I bounce back to being 'normal', eventually, however one defines 'normal'. I am able to enjoy more days of 'normalcy' than not. So I pray each morning when I wake up, with a thankful heart for all that I am given, good or bad. I open my heart to the love of those who dare give it to me and I pour out of it the same love to them. I cling to hope, not to pills, because in the end, alone, that is all I have. Safe to say perhaps that it is the same for all us. We all are gifted with the capacity to hope. Even when we are alone, whether by choice or not.
Maybe Robin Williams forgot hope springs eternal, or he got completely exhausted fighting, I don't know. I can only speak for myself. Each breath I take, every cackle, each tear I shed, each embrace I return, every kiss, every forehead bump with my son, every 'love you, mom' from my daughter, every whimper of our pet Winkee, every rainbow, each breathtaking view of the sea and the mountains and the trees, of the sun and the moon. All these I take in, their love and their beauty, and remind myself, hope.
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