When I Am Not 'Enough'

I am always in search of validation, always yearning for approval, of my being. A close friend and I had this before-bedtime discussion of our tendencies to seek those, even if we both know that we have given all we have, our very best to this life. At this point, we said, we have nothing to prove anymore, yet we continue to be insecure and in constant search for self-worth. We agreed it was that one thing that made us both weak, in the face of all the tough-guy bravado we project. I was in bed during this interesting exchange, staring at nothing at the ceiling, while she was marching around our hotel room (we were in conference outside of the office, as usual) fixing her usual OCD-nightmarish stuff. I love these moments we have, she always tells me that this friendship we have? It is most unique, we have been through hell and back, and nothing really ever so much as nudge it to destruction. We live parallel lives, it seemed like the stars in the universe conspired to have each other. 

We asked ourselves why we are in this constant search, and we came upon one thing in common: we still care about  what other people say and think about us. At certain times we are selective about it, and say, so what? Well, in instances where we feel very strongly about particular situations we are confronted with, like for example, ordering pizza for our staff who are starving in the middle of a workshop. No matter how tacky that might seem to others attending the conference. But we digress. We seem to think twice about making the rough choices, crossing the line, to be happy. Ok, happy is a big word, and relative. Rather to be content, less begging for the nod from the world in which we live. 

I read this post of  my sister today, which aptly put how things are with my life: 'We are mostly unhappy because we live the life others want to see.' (JD Ghai). Of course we all know that we must live our lives according to society's norms, or for some, norms of their faith. There are, however, certain norms at the smallest units of society, like for each family. We are all part of a family with unique sets of values we were raised with. Most of those values we hold true, and transcends to  even our children now. Some of the 'standards' established by our families at times we cannot simply comprehend, but we stuck to them while growing up because well, our elders laid them down for us to adhere to, no questions asked. 

But we grew old, we matured to being mothers, and other roles we were forced to play as dictated by our family standards, learned lessons the most difficult of ways. That, combined with the mermaid-like mindset I have now (my sister and our kids have this 'depth'; we are really haters of shallow thinkers, sorry) has through time, distorted the 'norms', 'standards' and 'values' we have held in the years past. Speaking solely for myself, I blame my parents for passing on to me their genes, of thinking so deeply at times I need to take my head up from the dark waters and gasp for air. I realize now that no matter how hard I try to merit the standards set by my family, I still end up disappointing them. 

As I have disappointed many in my life, really. I got a surprise of my life yesterday as one dear to me pointed out that he looks at me differently now, after I reacted to a simple situation that  came up, despite it being just 'knee-jerk'. He said that, yes, it was a 'knee-jerk' reaction but that is really your 'natural'. I did not bother to explain myself, because that incident happened a few months past already, yet he still had it in his mind. That is proof enough that judgement is already formed in his mind.

Judgement. How many have had judgements formed in their minds about me out there? I start to think. When I have always thought I have given my all, to everything and everyone that matters in this life. When I have gone the extra mile, forgot about myself, my self-respect and my dignity, just for others to validate, approve of me. Maybe I am, in the end, selfish? Self-involved? Conceited? I hope to God, not. But it is time to re-evaluate me, and my propensity to get hurt by judgement, or my lack of empathy for those around me. Maybe I bask in the glory of being everyone's go-to girl that I forget that others, too, need more than just my generosity and kindness. Maybe I say too much, that even those not meant to be hurt, are. All these just by being, 'me'. (Many words come to mind to describe me but never mind.)

I continue to tread each day with that in mind. Meantime, while I work on re-assessing 'me', I will not take the effort to explain myself to anyone, I do not owe them that. I owe myself the need to change, recognizing the weaknesses I have. I do not owe them that. I will try my darnest not to seek the validation and approval which eludes me. That is the path I choose to take to contentment.  I am here, I am who I am, I matter, I am important. From jaded eyes even, I know my worth. I look at myself as someone that any person would be fortunate to have, as a mother, a sister, a friend, a loved one. To say that there are hardships attached to my presence in other's lives is an understatement, but I am sincere, loyal, steadfast, generous, kind, loving, and will go to the ends of the earth and back for people I love. I may not merit the standards of the very people I love, and I assume to love me, but I demand that I be accepted and understood warts and all. I deserve that. As much as I am undeserving of judgement, from whomsoever claims that right. If who I am now is not enough, I really do not know what is, at this point. I sure hope that God, to whom I do owe everything, would show me, what is indeed, enough.