Good Days

I am laughing from the pit of my stomach. This is a good day. On bad days, I unleash my anger in various forms, mostly by writing stupid stuff which I thought would be deep. I read all my earlier blogs and my goodness, they were all so sad and desperate I wondered if they were actually written by me. But yes, it was me. 

I now seem to have mastered the art of 'feeding my hunger', for screams, you know the type which also comes from the pit of your stomach but also makes your throat hurt? I feed that by laughing. My hunger for insulting people, the kind which would make other people feel like idiots, I feed by laughing. My hunger for attention and love, I feed that by laughing at myself, the situation, and all that goes with it. 

Now this might make me look like I am insane. But the past months, I simply got tired. I got tired of fighting with people who think of themselves as the only creatures of God that they can just behave like they were born in the gutters, with no shame, and always, always, angry at the whole world. I see this person who seem to love waking up each day and only problem she has is whom to bully next. I got tired. What is there to gain by even trying to seek the goodness in a person when, well, there is none of that at all? Even just a tinge?

It is tiring to beat myself up over things I have no control over, or I cannot solve, or I cannot change. I am that way, I thought I was Wonder Woman for quite a while, only to realize now, goodness I am not. No way. Why did I even think of myself that way, in the first place? I do my best, though, but if that is not enough, then why bother to go the extra mile? A friend of mine told me last night, '...this journey is about you, Christianne, you...flow...choose...', with whom I agreed, after lamenting and whining about my pathetic little life. So I will feed my hunger for whatever: love, attention, anger, frustration, desperation, and I am bent on doing that by laughing. Crying gives me three layers of eyebags which cannot be hidden by my eyeshadow, and makes it difficult to draw my eyeliner. And I cannot live without my eyeliner.