Because I Am Nearing 50. (Part Four)

1. I value friendships. Over and above money or whatever.  

2. I would like to think I always have good intentions, but I have faltered several times in my life which cost me relationships. That, I regret the most.

3. It took years to acknowledge the fact that I am not a superhero. I cannot solve all the problems of the world. 

  4. I recently discovered that I have been played by people I consider my friends. And I am crushed. 

5. I gained weight over three years not because of the  fractures in my toes, which I used as an excuse to sit and eat my way to 25 kilos. I simply abhor exercise. And that must change, for my health, not for the way I look. (Which is now nearing a blob.)

6. The most insensitive remarks I heard about my weight: 

       *When I told someone I was feeling cold, the reply was: 'Di ba dapat hindi ka giniginaw kasi madami kang blubbers? Parang yung mga penguin?' 

       *A friend of mine told me: 'Sabi ng mga PAROs namin crush na crush ka daw nila nuon, pero ang taba mo na daw kase ngayon.'

      *My boss once said when he learned of my XXL size, 'Bakit ano naman ang masama sa XXL? At least yung tshirt mo kasya pa ang isang sanggol.'

7. I do not eat durian. And I never will.

8. Davao is my favorite place thus far from my travels. 

9. I almost always wear clothes in solid colors. 

10. I used to hate wearing closed shoes, but my attention was called when I wore fitflops to a job interview, so I started wearing them. 

11. I never have my eyebrows thinned, even when I am having my make-up done by a professional for affairs which call for an expert. When a  make-up artist insisted once, I did not have my make-up done at all. 

12. I have been 'ninang' in weddings I can no longer count. And in 'binyag', too.

13. I push my colleagues to their limits, even when they are about to give up on me because I know their abilities. Many tell me that they have learned a lot from me, and I am glad.

14. I correct grammar of my staff right away. That is not to embarass them, but to teach them little of what I know.

15. It bothers me that I have to refuse some requests. 

16. I believe in forever. Not 'love-forever', but there are things in life which I would like to end but seems like they never will.

17. Bad faith I see in people, even in the smallest of things, I get terribly disappointed about. And my respect for these people is greatly diminished. I guess good faith no longer sells. 

18. I feel it is never funny to 'play' mind games with people. It is despicable.

19. Nothing ever justifies lying to a friend, even by omission. Frienship, to my mind, is founded on raw and brute honesty. 

20. I care for my friends' kids, nieces and nephews. 

21. I am bad with keeping 'remembrances' and old photos. I mistake them for clutter, and accidentally throw them away, at times. But I intentionally 'destroy' them when the memories attached to them are hurtful.  As in I tear them to pieces and burn them. 

22. I do not walk away from relationships until I can no longer hold on. Most often, others are the first to walk away, not the other way around. But when I am done, I am done, in my heart.

23. For the longest time, I have felt inadequate. Until I met a woman named Bernie, and my life changed forever.

24. Self-pity is a feeling I feed until I am sated, and then I decide to stop. And when I do, I go back to fighting form, fiercer. 

25. Then I pity the people who have money, that's all they will ever have.

26. I pray to live for another five years. That's a deal I keep asking for from God.

27. I have never stopped proving who I am to people. Not for them, but for me and my self-respect. 

28. I have lived such a colorful life. Some of the colors so dark, I always remind my kids not to take after 'those colors'. They understand more than I expected. 

29. Yes, I am the luckiest Mom on earth. I claim that. 

30. I am thankful I can 'think' beyond what is. Sometimes I take that as a curse. But I am so wrong.

31. Who I am, by and large, depended on who I love. I read that from 'Word Porn' and it is so apt for me. 

32. My lack of choices afforded me the strength to survive this life. 

33. I am certain that my life would be entirely different had Papa lived long. 

34. Papa and Mama would have been so happy if they enjoyed their grandchildren. 

35. I look back at how I was raised and I think that Mama 'prepared' me well for this life. 

36. In the words of a former boss, 'may mga tao lang talaga sa mundo na walang kangawitan'. Yes, some people do not get tired of holding on to something that is no longer theirs. I am that way, but only with my kids. 

37. I need to be more accepting of the fact that my kids have their own lives now. 

38. I am a 'stage mom', even with a daughter @ 23 and a son @ 16. And I am not ashamed to fuss all over them, no matter how annoying I can be.

39. I  value relationships, more than the rules. Which is so 'un-managerial' and 'un-leader-like'. 

40. I always say what is, yet one of my auditors told me, 'the truth will not save you'. Those are six words I will never forget. 

41. A former boss told me, 'I have learned not to say anything', to the auditors, he meant. Rightfully so. You tell them one thing, they will spin the whole thing to another level, and you will be in trouble. 

42. My kindness has been abused, over and over. But I will never stop being kind. 

43. I am described by many as someone 'with a big heart'. I would like to think that I have a 'big heart' and I am overly generous, because I know how it feels like to have everything, and to have nothing. I am now cruising in between those extremes. 

44. I do not take credit for what is not due me. I do, however, demand that I be respected if not for my position of authority, but as a person at the very least.

45. I am possessive, although not obvious. But I mark my territories, and I will fight whoever as so much as breathes in the air from them. 

46. I will bleed first, before my staff do. 

47. Let me correct number 46, I will bleed first before anyone I love will do. 

48. I have been given 'second chances' by my God so many times. 

49. It is ok for me to surface my weaknesses for the world to know. I do not need to be perfect to be able to lead, which is not the mentality of some of my colleagues. I feel strongly that it is in my weaknesses that my colleagues found the drive to work and live their lives the way they think they should. 

50. Gov. Imee described my posts as: 'sobrang self-righteous ibang level'. I replied with: 'hahahahaha'. And then she texted back: 'Bongga!'. That says it all, I guess.