Alive

Since I am on a roll, let me start by saying beer is a good way of ending two days of self-pity, unending drama, and a blood pressure of 160/100. Note that I say, 'ending' because I have decided this afternoon to cut yet another episode of my life's version of 'In Pursuit of Happyness'. Of course to say that I can turn off the flash of raw emotions, of kick-ass blows to the conscience, of the seesaw of regret and liberation, is hypocrisy at its highest. All are still there lurking inside me. But I chose to see the light.

I started the two gruelling days of holding in the screams in my chest until I felt literally about to burst. The best place a friend of mine suggested for me to feel better was the church. So we went. And the proper person I am (only when I am in the middle of an episode that I am, really), I waited to be seated on a pew, and started crying in front of the altar. It was the first time my friend saw me cry, so she held my hand and pushed a hanky to me (apparently my nose was already leaking). 

The crying did not stop there, of course. It went on and on through the afternoon and night. Until I felt I could not breathe. The blood pressure gadget (I don't know what it is called) indicated I should stop. My head felt like it is about to split open, so I was not surprised with the 160/100. Not to worry, a sublingual medication was at hand. I took it and went to sleep.

The day after I could not force myself to get up. The feeling of dread was still there. But I had to work. To keep my mind off the dread. I worked from home. Slept. Ate. Worked. Prayed.

In church, I started my prayer by stupidly asking God 'why am I living a life like this?'. Like it is His fault. So I immediately said, 'sorry, let me start again'. I started over. What transpired during that conversation is for me to know. Suffice it to say that I told Him everything, and in the end, asked for two things, if He would bless me with those: the strength to get through the challenges that I face in my life; and the resolve to know the 'the way'. 

So here I am now with beer in front of me, looking back at the last couple of days with about five percent of alcohol running through my veins. I still feel the dread. But I feel alive. Despite all the going-ons. Just for being alive, I am grateful. Truly, I am.