Of 'Sub-Humans', Mutants and Coldhearted 'Half-Reptiles'

A friend-recently-turned-sister, described my blogs, 'brave and honest' yesterday. That made me think twice. For one thing, I have not been told before in my life that I am (my blogs are my thoughts written in the most raw of forms), well, brave and honest. I am weak, vulnerable and a 'compromise'-embracing person. And honest? How do you describe way too much of honesty? Another person, almost at the same time, told me not to write about my life, because my life, he says, is open to scrutiny, hence people will not understand all my blabber and my accounts will eventually be 'used' to destroy me. Or something to that effect.

Anyway, the stubborn person that I am, as my other friend-my-sister-for-life aptly put it, I want more in this life than just 'this', whatever 'this' is. I create a void, she said, an emptiness, because I tell myself I am not content, I am empty. I asked her, 'when do we stop?'. She said, 'we stop when start hurting people, we are not into it to hurt others, (though we do), because we hurt ourselves more'. I am still processing that.

When I say I am empty, I have a void, I feel alone, unloved, people who love me feel inadequate, naturally. They ask me, 'haven't we loved you enough?'. I think about that and ask myself the same. The answer is absolute, they have loved me enough. They all do their best not to let me down. It is hence, cruel of me to say I feel 'unloved'. I ponder about that, and my closest guess to why I feel 'unloved' is that because I have given my all to others, my whole being, beyond what I am able to offer. I placed my soul as a bet in this game called 'responsibility' at a young age, overdrafted, and now my being is asking for payback. 

Who ever told me to bet my soul in the first place? What was I thinking anyway? Why am I asking for payback when from the get-go, I could have chosen not to be 'the responsible one', really. I could have just closed my world from the demands of that world outside, or I could have simply walked away. But I did not. 

I did not. So now I whine, I rant, I demand attention, I count all the ways I have been kind. More than kind, actually. 

The answer to that comes to mind quickly. Because I honor my father's love for me deeply. I can almost hear the eyes rolling (saying 'oh come on') from reading that. How can I say that when I live my life in a way that he would probably lose his mind over if he were alive and seeing it? I say I honor his love for me, because I gave life my best shot, I gave everything I could, oh wait, I gave even that which I could not. I gave on 'borrowed' time, effort, resources. If that is not enough to merit understanding, I do not know what will. I do not demand that I be worshipped, that is for God. But I do feel entitled to silence if others are 'offended' or 'sickened' by who I am. I would rather be brushed aside, than be the focus of those who 'do not work on the improvement of their characters but instead tear people down to make them look better' (read that from a post on facebook earlier). At the end of the day, these people, no, they are not people, they are 'sub-humans', 'mutants', coldhearted 'half-reptiles', I find more offending, sickening. And vulgar.